just enter your email address below to get this blog's updates, news, and more!A Man Possessed by Purpose: The “Dirt” on Clay Collins
[Note: This is not a post by me (Clay). It’s a post by Tracy, who I hired during the last Project Mojave launch. Just so you know . . . Tracy is the only reason anything ever happens around here. I hired Tracy because I was working for myself. And I’m a shitty boss. So I brought Tracy on (actually, she took me on) because I needed a supervisor. She’s a damn good one. Anyway, I take no responsibility for the nonsense below].
Clay asked me if I’d be willing to write for this blog occasionally. I wrote three posts so that he’d have a choice:
- Does a Bear S**t in the Woods (and what does that have to do with finding your purpose?)
- The Thrill and the Terror of Living in the Land of…. (you’ll have to wait for the rest of the title until this post is published).
- One Quick and Easy Way to F**k Up Your Mind and Your Life
The first post is almost done. It will see the light of day eventually.
The second one you’ll probably see once I twist Clay’s arm to co-author it with me and finish it off.
The third one I’m passionate about but it really has nothing to do with this blog, so I’ll publish it elsewhere.
And I tried like hell to finish a post called Cognac, a Hot Tub, and God, but it was way too weird for this blog. I didn’t want to freak you out before you even got to know me. There’s plenty of time for that later.
Then it hit me: What you want to read about is Clay, not my thoughts about cognac or bears. Often when we read someone’s blog and find their thoughts resonating with our own we want to know more about them. So, I thought I’d tell you a little bit about our relationship as a way to give you the inside scoop about who Clay is and what his heart is all about. I’ve no idea if he’ll let me post this, but I’m going to write it and fight with him about that later. If you’re reading this, I won.
I won’t let him edit it, either, because he’d only take out the parts that embarrass him.
I joined Project Mojave as a member in March 2009. I’d never heard of Clay prior to this, never read his blog, and knew nothing about him. I stumbled upon a web page around the time of his launch and ended up signing up early enough to be a lifetime member. That included a 30-minute call with Clay.
Little did I know that call was going to change my life.
You know when you talk to somebody for the first time and you sense that there’s an incredible connection there? I felt that right away. I’ll spare you the details of how our relationship developed and will fast forward to when we decided to explore the possibility of me working for Clay and Project Mojave.
It was an amazing process. I want to share this with you because while you know a little bit about Clay from what he posts, this will reveal him to you in ways he’d never write about himself. He has one of the most beautiful hearts I’ve ever encountered.
First, he never asked for my resume. He saw my heart and that was all he needed to know. Who does business like this?
Second, by the time we thought about working together we’d developed a deep friendship. (No reading between the lines here: I’m 20+ years older than Clay and I’ve been super-happily married for 25 years!) We talk on the phone just about every weekday and often on the weekends as well.
We both had fears about what working together would do to our friendship. So we talked about them. At length. At great length. At ridiculously great length.
Some of our calls were several hours long as we explored every fear and how to move forward from there. Tears were shed by both of us during several of these calls because we were hitting levels of gut-wrenching honesty (I couldn’t make this stuff up, truly). Who does business like this?
We both wanted to be absolutely sure this was the best thing for each of us and for Project Mojave.
Because I had worked for several other bosses who had asked me to lie for them (and I flat-out refused, which didn’t go over very well), I made it really clear to Clay that I would never lie for him no matter what. His response could have been a total deal breaker for me. Instead, here’s what he said: “Everything in Project Mojave has to be done in a squeaky clean manner. I’ll never ask you to lie for me and I want you to call me on it if you ever catch me lying.” I ask you again: Who does business like this?
In case you think I’m sugarcoating who Clay is, trying to paint him only in a favorable light, or that I am delusional and think that he is all sweetness, I’ll tell you that Clay has some very odd, quirky, and annoying habits. Very. Odd. He is absolutely brilliant and openhearted and he’s as deeply flawed as any person I’ve ever known. He owns up to all of it.
His VA Skyped me a few weeks ago with this:
“Do you ever feel like you’re part of Clay’s elaborate social experiment?”
I laughed for 10 minutes (responding with an emphatic “Yes!”). Clay is so innovative and creative, which sounds great unless you’re the one working for him trying to put systems in place. Then it’s just a giant pain in the ass. His mind never jumps off the creativity train, and he strives to do things with excellence. Everything is an iterative process for him. That translates into having to deal with constant change, trying new methods, and altering systems. A control freak would last about 10 minutes working with Clay.
You can’t control a cyclone. That’s the mantra that has kept me sane these past few months.
You know that picture of Einstein in his later years with his white hair flying all over the place, looking like a half-crazy dude even though you know he’s brilliant? That captures Clay perfectly on his hyper-iterative days.
Another quirk is his relationship with time. It doesn’t seem to mean to him what it does to most people.
While some people are colorblind, I think Clay is time-blind.
He will sometimes work all night long as if it’s what all normal people do. (I like to be asleep by 10 and up at 5, so you can imagine how I feel about the hours he keeps. Still, I must confess that some of our best chats have taken place at 3 o’clock in the morning.)
Back to the hiring process: The day came when there was nothing left to ask except, “When can you start?” So now I work with Clay to help make Project Mojave the best it can possibly be. I have no job title, no set hours. While he operates from the heart on a relational level, he doesn’t leave it there. He brings his heart fully into his business. He’s utterly fearless in plowing into new territory.
It really is amazing to watch a person possessed by purpose up close and in action. I’ve listened to him literally weep as he talks about people living dull, passionless lives.
Everything he does, he wants to do with an open, fearless heart. He lives with a fierceness and intensity I’ve rarely seen. He knows that only a person living from their passion is truly able to bring their greatest gift to the world. He craves seeing that happen in every person he meets. Clay hungers to help people create businesses that will enable them to pour the fullness of their hearts out every single day.
He aches with longing to help people live fearlessly into their purpose. This burns within him, day and night, and I feel joy that he has no possible way to escape it. This passion owns him in a beautiful way.
His heart is intense, focused, guileless and gorgeously open. He wants to wake people up from their slumbering lives so they can be vibrantly alive, living from the center of their hearts.
Our daily conversations continue, now a very strange mixture of friendship and business that somehow totally works. There is always much laughter, sometimes tears, and there is no real separation of “work” and “personal” topics. His purpose is not just “work” to him; it’s his life.
He invites total and absolute honesty from me, even when it means he needs to listen to criticism or be held accountable to something he said.
He invites me to speak into his life about any bullshit I see going on, and doesn’t get defensive when I do so. He has never once shut down when I’ve had to confront him, nor when we’ve had conflict. What a rare and amazing thing that is. Really: Who does business like this?
We plumb the depths of every topic imaginable.
We talk about social justice, business models, betrayals, money, keyword research, combating poverty, Internet marketing, our successes, market selection, our spiritual lives, sexuality, autoresponder software, our greatest fears, SEO, books we’re reading, our failures, personal development, and our hopes for the world.
Sometimes our conversations are so life changing that it feels almost obscene to not record them so that we could share them with others. I will often make him stop talking and not let him say another word until I’ve written down something profound that he just said. Seriously: Who does business like this?
His openheartedness wrecks me in the best way possible. It’s so rare to meet the real deal in the world of Internet marketing. There’s so much fake “authenticity” out there.
I want to close with some of the things he’s shared with me over the past six months so you can see the inner workings of his heart:
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“We want to dance in the light of our own creativity. We want to work without limit, create without condition.”
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“Maturity comes when someone starts to take total responsibility for their lives, for all they say, for all their actions.”
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“We turn the fulfillment of our deficiencies into our savior.”
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“Your business is like a young brother born two years after you: it will never catch up in maturity.”
Who does business like this? Only a man possessed by purpose, vision and passion, determined to live from the wide, open space of his heart.
Well, that’s your inside look at Clay’s heart from my perspective. Comments? I’d love to hear them. Questions? Ask away and I’ll answer them if I can.
I’d like to end with a question of my own for you, if you’d care to answer it: Are you a person possessed by purpose? If not, what’s holding you back? I’d seriously love to know.
–Tracy
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Hi Tracy,
Thanks for a great post. It doesn't suprise me to read what you have written here. It comes across in the way Clay writes. He's very open about his weaknesses, limitations and vulnerabilities. Status, position, and image are of no interest to Clay. His openness and transparency builds an incredible foundation of trust with us the reader.
I enjoyed reading about your working relationship. When people working together are truly comfortable being exposed to one another that they begin to act without concern for protecting themselves. As a result they can focus their energy and attention completely on the job at hand, rather than on being strategically disingenuous and political with each other. Unfortunatley this is the norm in the corporate world. People who are not genuinely open with one another about their mistakes and weaknesses make it impossible to build a foundation for trust.
Thanks for sharing a model of excellence for us to follow.
Hey Marcos, thanks–what a sweet thing to write. I heard that I missed an absolutely killer conference in the Mojave Desert….but I'm not going to spill my guts on all I heard that went on! Sort of along the lines of “What happens in Vegas….”
Tracy you really hit it on the nail. I love this quote: “We turn the fulfillment of our deficiencies into our savior.”
Sitting by the fire late into the night with Clay and other PM members while sharing experiences and ideas about business and life was very rewarding.
Reading this post made me want to crawl up in a ball and cry….I'm somewhat serious. I literally got this feeling of butterflies in the pit of my stomach reading this (in my office….staring a the computer….not in the least bit happy with what I'm doing). Reading this makes me want to work for and with someone like this…it makes me want to do something with my life so fucking full of passion that I can't sleep either (and I haven't been much lately as my soul is restless). Every damn day I ask myself why I can't be more like this. Why I can't do something…and I am definitely trying…but I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if it's all there. I'll readily admit that I'm filled with such crippling self doubt and fear of failure that I may be my worst own enemy….pissed at myself that I may very well be the living, breathing version of Thoreau's man living a life of quiet desperation. So, yeah, there's a lot holding me back. Financial obligations being right there on the top, which seems overly cliche and a cop out excuse, but i'm not going to lie about it. Fear about what is it exactly I should do…what is it that I'm good it. Fear of going to the grave with the fire still burning inside me.
Cool post and thanks for the insight. I don't know if I have my purpose yet, but I'm definitely living with passion.
Wow. What a testimonial… I swear if that would have ended in a pitch to buy a “Clay Collins Has A Posse” t-shirt, I totally would have bought one. Maybe two…
To answer your question, though, I'd have to admit I was only half-awake regarding purpose in action prior to this autumn. Fortunate circumstances are allowing me to transition into a very cool role that involves a whole lot of juggling, but a lot of independence, too. As such, I can't say I'm yet “possessed” by purpose, but I'm a whole lot more focused on living a purposeful reality than I was a couple of months ago. Slow and steady, baby!
Thanks for writing such a moving post, Tracy. You really are an awesome person and I've greatly appreciated your vivacious support 
Oh, how I adore what you wrote here: “When people working together are truly comfortable being exposed to one another that they begin to act without concern for protecting themselves. As a result they can focus their energy and attention completely on the job at hand…” That is exactly right. We can expend so much energy on BS that it robs the very work we want to fully throw our hearts into. I'm so glad I don't have to live that way. Can you imagine how different the world would be if just this one change took place in the corporate world? Almost–but not quite!–unimaginable.
Wished I could have been there…sounds like perfection: bonfire and deep talks. Does it get any better than that?
Nate, your comment touched me so deeply. Thanks for being will to be so open and vulnerable–two things I highly value.
I feel your pain and misery and my heart goes out to you. This may sound odd, but here is my best and highest hope for you: That your misery increases! That it grows until it consumes you, until you have to break out of the life you're in or perish trying.
You don't have to do one big heroic act. Just take one small step every single day. Seven days a week. No excuses. Just one small step forward, moving slowly toward the life you want to be living. I think so many people never get there because it seems so huge to them, and overwhelming. But break it down and take it slow. Even if it takes 5 years to get to where you want to be, it is so worth it. Even if you fully feel the fear, keep moving forward. I'd love to hear from you in a month…telling me what you've done to move forward! Again, thanks for sharing so beautifully.
@Nathan, isn't it great living a passionate life? So glad to read this from you!
@Jess, oh, woman! You just crack me up. Posse, indeed! So glad you're moving forward with all that's in your heart.
Tracy,
What amazing advice, “…my highest hope is that your misery increases!” I must so agree with you on this and believe me Nate this is the very best advice I can ever hope to have given you. So many people candy coat a response like, “Don't worry Nate, I know you can do it buddy, I believe in you..” Etc..Blah Blah flippity unauthentic Blah Blah.
Get pissed, get emotional, get involved and make a damn decision! No matter how small it may seem!
This is why I love Project Mojave, Clay and you Tracy. It's so painfully apparent (In a great way) that you both have gone through the trenches and have lead a path of actually doing it. Not only physically but emotionally.
I remember a trainer one time making the statement, “you don't value me for the nice car, fancy mansion or money I'm making. You value me because of what I've gone through and the fact I can share with you how I got through it.
I'm thrilled about the relationships here at P.M. and it's these kinds of real feedback I value.
Thanks Tracy.
P.S. The post was amazing as well
Hi Tracy…
it's good to hear this from you… i feel much the same way about Clay, although sometimes i have to admit, the man's tsunami approach has thrown me off a few times…
I just mentioned Clay and PM, in reference to our inspiring phone chat we had last week, in a post on blogging for business at my site — hope you take a moment to check it out.
Thanks for sharing, and i REALLY look forward to reading some more of your work… Cheers!
Holy crap. Serious props to Tracy for writing this and to Clay for running it.
I will say that now I feel totally ripped off because I now feel that I'm not getting enough out of my Clay calls. I've spent many hours on the phone with the man but haven't had this level of depth. When he talks to me, it's literally 24/7 skeet shooting, luge racing, and taxidermy. DUDE I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE NEWEST METHODS TO PRESERVE DUCKS PRIOR TO STUFFING. I mean, seriously.
And Jess… weren't you the person who said you'd want the “I'd follow Johnny B. Truant into the pits of zombie hell” T-shirt? You're all about wearing slogans.
wow, this post made my insides turn over, I guess b/c I totally identify with the creating of a business that is totally run on passion and an irresistible calling and insanity yet in some ways is the most sane thing ever. and it is so sadly not normal that it's beautiful to connect with other people who know what I mean.
clay is so blessed to have you!
Tony, thanks so much. Your words meant so much to me.
This line especially resonated deep within: “It's so painfully apparent (In a great way) that you both have gone through the trenches and have lead a path of actually doing it. Not only physically but emotionally.” Have you been spying on me for the last decade or so? You've nailed it.
Walking this path isn't necessarily easy, but it's the *only* way I want to live. Sometimes we have to go through hell and back to get to the place where we're finally ready, willing, and able to only have deep, authentic relationships with everyone we have in our lives, from those we work with to our friends to our significant others. There is a cost involved: Vulnerability that can leave you crushed when it's abused. Not many want to pay that price, but it is so, so worth it for the deep connection it allows us to have with others.
I'm preaching to the choir, I know!
Satya, any force of nature that you can think of pretty much describes Clay: tsunami, cyclone, tornado, hurricane….yeah, they all fit! And now I'm off to read your post!
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny: Clay has often called me after your phone calls with violent sobs, telling me how he longs to share such deep things with you, but that you ask him questions in such rapid-fire style that there's little time for anything else:
“Clay, when you're stuffing a bear, do you use glass eyes or ceramic?”
“Clay, the tail of the deer I'm stuffing is standing up straight, exposing a rather unsightly part. How can I get the tail to be flat against the haunches?”
He spends so much time answering these questions that there's no time left for “I love you, Johnny” by the end of the call. Maybe you could back off the taxidermy questions just a bit….
Elizabeth, I love this: “…totally run on passion and an irresistible calling and insanity yet in some ways is the most sane thing ever.” YES! That made me want to stand up and shout when I read it. You've captured it perfectly. Completely insane and yet fully sane and the only way to do it, both at the same time. Thanks for summing it up so beautifully.
Nate – a suggestion. Go get a book called Your Money or Your Life. It will help you put the financial stuff in proper perspective. Pair that with The Hero's Journey for a little inspiration… and breathe more, and sit with the questions a while. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend.
Failures are not the problem… fail many many times…it's the sign of someone living a full life. Do pick the things you fail at carefully though. But keep walking and observing and choosing – no not that – yes more of this… There is no one to the left or to the right of you that hasn't been going through the same things… some just don't let on. It is a struggle to stay real in this world but, well worth it.
One more thing Nate – with energy like that, it is likely that you will do MANY things in your life. Try something. IF you don't like it, stop. Start something new. Do projects on your own or enlist co-conspirators. Some for money, some for fun. Bring playfulness back into your life. All great things come from a spirit of creation and play. Just focus on something you enjoy now. Become expert – read until your eyes fall out. Then move on. This is all it is…. que Keep Feeling Fascination… (80s child that I am couldn't help it)
Oh my gosh, I really want to freak out right now.
This article has flashed me completely. How you write about Clay's lifestyle is amazing, because it touches me deep down in my heart. I really want to join him and be another passionate person who changes the world. But I need to be patient now. This year I was searching for my passion more than ever until it all burned down and I gave up lately. I don't want to search for it anymore, because I feel like it pushes it farer away. I really tried to find my passion with my mind instead of with my heart and I am thankful that some loving people around me had noticed it and told me. Now I try to stay on the path of my heart – to go with the flow – and let the passion find me. I really really hope it will all come together someday.
Love,
Michael from Germany
Yes, I am SO blessed to be working with Tracy. I feel grateful EVERY SINGLE day. No joke.
My lifestyle is amazing, but another part of this is that Tracy can't help but see the good (the very best in people). It's who she is. It's not “rose colored glasses”: she sees all of you, but only relates to the best in you.
She's right, Johnny. Seriously.
As cliche as it sounds, Tracy, you were there. YOU made that conference happen. Thanks for organizing such a kickass event.
Michael, how I love what you wrote! And it freaked me out a little bit, too, because you wrote some things that I wrote just last week! They're in a post that will eventually show up here (I think!), so you'll see see then about how much we're tracking on the same page.
With a heart like yours, it WILL all come together someday. With an open heart, it is inevitable. Absolutely unavoidable. Please keep in touch; I'd love to follow your journey. (By the way, I write more about Clay, both his amazing-ness and his wildness and his weirdness on Twitter: http://twitter.com/TracyMojave.)
Tracy – you so nailed it here. The bigger the discomfort, the bigger the shift. When I'm depressed or uncomfortable, but can't put my finger on why, I remind myself that change kind of erupts out of us, after festering a bit. I've spent some dark times but I knew that there was a reason – some sort of shift in my consciousness and life was on its way – and so I had to force myself to drift with the discomfort and wait with patience and stay open to what came my way. I don't always succeed and it never makes it less uncomfortable, it just makes it worth it. Sometimes, when I'm paralyzed in fear, there's a hint of excitement that on the other side of the fear, lies a new realization, and often, a new me.
Johnny B – you're a riot. I hope you know that I teach my students about you in my E-Commerce class in a Paris university. You're famous along the Champs-Élysées!
I have been here: “…it never makes it less uncomfortable, it just makes it worth it” more times than I can count! It is SO worth it, but in the middle of it, not so much fun. I like the “drift with discomfort” phrase immensely. I'm going to use that–but I promise to give you credit when I do so. It captures the process beautifully!
Ha! You know… just because I have brilliant t-shirt ideas doesn't mean I'm not particular. In fact, if I opened a shirt shop tomorrow, I'd start with only those two. Between Johnny and Clay, my world has been rocked beyond belief and I would proudly wear the t-shirts to prove it.
Thank you so much for responding directly. It's funny you say energy like that. You know, I often wish I could just be like other people. There are people I work with who are so involved with their jobs and productive with them….me on the other hand, not so much. I just can't do it because I'm not connected to it. It's difficult to say this b/c it sounds like bitching and whining…and I HATE that, but I feel like I've failed myself over the last ten years in jobs I don't enjoy and because I don't feel connected to them…well, I'm just not good at them. Now, I'm hard on myself, I know that, so people might say that I do good work, but for me, it just doesn't feel that way. I have no desire, or passion to excel and succeed at what I'm doing.
I'm certainly getting out there trying new things. Getting out of my comfort zone. Challenging myself. I think I need to step it up even more. It's hard to get the creation back when it's been missing for so long.
I found my passion when I stopped searching for it. Because it was already there. I know that totally does not make sense, it's the kind of thing that only makes sense after it happens. My suggestion would be to just go with the flow and speak your truth daily and surround yourself with people who are doing this … and give yourself time to marinate.
and people say to me, how do you work all the time & get so much done? but the thing is, now that I am living my truth, I don't really “do work” I just engage in a natural expression of who I am. and that does not take energy away from me like normal person work … it energizes me. so I can do it all the time. so that's another way it is the most sane thing ever. and once you live this way, going back to the other way is impossible.
Elizabeth, I am the same way. I have never “worked” so many hours in my life AND I've never had so much fun or been so energized. Clay is always asking me to take time off! It makes me laugh, I have to tell him to go away and leave me to my fun! He's the same way: works like mad, but has fun and gets energized doing it. It's the only way to live as far as I can see.
Sounds like you just haven't found something really worth doing! Figure out what you think is really worth doing! And do grab that first book…it will help you feel less trapped by obligations you have…you can get it used for about 5 bucks! Best Nate!
Wow. I loved reading this! Thanks for posting. It gives me a whole new perspective on Clay. And it sounds like you found the perfect job!
Thanks, Tracy. Yes, I love what I'm doing, though I never think of it as a “job!” I'm having way too much fun!
Thanks, Tracy. Yes, I love what I'm doing, though I never think of it as a “job!” I'm having way too much fun!
” Only a man possessed by purpose, vision and passion, determined to live from the wide, open space of his heart.”
…and only a women with those qualities are able to recognize a such person. At PM conference Clay told us how great you are. He was right. Great post Tracy!