Investigative Report: Tracking Down the Productivity Ninja

(Above: The Productivity Ninja playing game cube with the Productivity Zombie)

What’s all this nonsense about productivity ninjas? Seriously people.

The productivity industry’s use of ninja-ness to seem cool works about as well as this kid’s use of gang signs (see left) and rapper chains (see right) to try and seem hip.

Ninjas, rock stars, and computer hackers are cool (well, some of them) but productivity ninjas, productivity rockstars, and productivity hackers? Please.

But perhaps I’m being too harsh (I probably am). Perhaps there’s really a productivity ninja out there. I mean, everyone seems to be talking about him (or her). I’ve spent countless hours in the productivity blogosphere and people are name dropping this ninja left and right.

So maybe there is a ninja out there. If there is, no one seems to know much about him except that he’s really, really productive. Given this situation, I decided to do a little investigating and . . .

Here’s What I’ve Found About the Productivity Ninja

1. He “Rocks” the Computer with Keyboard Shortcuts

Throwing a ninja star is cool. But “rocking” the computer with keyboard shortcuts is about 100 times better. And what’s more productive than learning keyboard shortcuts? Not much. This ninja’s a definite badass.

2. He Might Be Bruce Lee

According to this article, Bruce Lee is both a Productivity Guru and a Productivity Dragon. Given this obvious reality, it’s not a stretch to imagine that he’s also the famed Productivity Ninja. It should also be noted that if Bruce Lee is the productivity ninja then he has lots of things in common with Merlin Mann (again, see this post).

(Note to Bruce: Being called “a Productivity Dragon” presents a personal branding nightmare. It might be appropriate for Bruce to roll over in his grave).

3. He Might Be Dave Navarro

Michael Martine thinks Dave Navarro’s the productivity ninja. And in all seriousness, he might be right.  Dave really is pretty cool.

4. He Works with the Email Ninja or He IS the Email Ninja

It’s entirely possible that the email ninja and the productivity ninja are the same person. I mean, the ability to “subdue many messages at once with a few graceful but powerful motions?” is a skill that, theoretically, any productivity ninja should have (pssst…. it can be gained with these 10 easy steps). But maybe the email ninja is just a protégé of the productivity ninja.

Here’s a scary thought: the productivity ninja might use phrases like “Tutti Frutti Oh Rudy” and have a plaid belt (8th degree).

In all seriousness, however, wouldn’t a real ninja shoot a dart at you with a note in it or write a message on your arm without you noticing it?

FYI-A Google search for the exact phrase “email ninja” yields over 16,000 results.

5. The Productivity Ninja Might be A Sexy Woman

Being sexy would definitely increase my interest in the productivity ninja. On the other hand, someone telling me that their “usage of labels and filters in GMail is way better than [mine],” just isn’t that sexy.

I seriously do not want to be a productivity ninja if being one involves stuff like this:

# I send notes to myself via command line, like "gtd.sh -n
# ‘do foo’"… this just sends an empty email to me with
# "do foo" in the Subject. Depending on the item, I want to
# apply an appropriate label. I use GMail’s "plus syntax":
# anything addressed to eater+next@gmail.com is delivered to
# eater@gmail.com, but I may filter "to:eater+next" uniquely.
-The Productivity Ninja

6. She or He Doesn’t Have Much Fun

See the previous quotation.

7. He Does Not Hang Out With the Productivity Easter Bunny or the Productivity Tooth Fairy

Ok, so I don’t have any direct evidence of this, but I wanted to pad my list.  But my hunches about the Productivity Easter Bunny and Productivity Tooth Fairy are dead on. Right?

8. He Doesn’t Have to Pay a Lot for Books and Tapes

This is a really important one. The productivity ninja become what he or she is today “without spending hundreds of dollars on courses, tapes, CDs, and coaching.”

Good to know.

9. He DOES NOT Use Internet Explorer

Everyone knows this but it’s worth repeating. The productivity ninja does not (and cannot) ever, ever, ever, use Internet Explorer (see #7 on this list). That’s probably his first and primary rule. Internet explorer is like kryptonite to both ninjas and productivity. This is just common sense: if I were an email ninja then Internet Explorer’s the LAST browser I would use to check my email.

10. He Isn’t Affected by *Dings*

The productivity ninja could care less about dings . . .

And as long as you’re letting the *ding* take you away, you’re not being a ninja. You’re being that guy.
-Merlin Mann

Trust me, you seriously don’t want to be that guy (he probably uses Internet Explorer).

11. He Prepares (to do Whatever he Does) with A Moleskine Notebook

When I think of ninjas I think of Moleskine Notebooks with pages contain various color coded hit lists:

• Black: soon-to-be-dead enemies
• Green: soon-to-be-dead friends of enemies
• Blue: soon-to-be-dead political assassinations
• Gold weird color: soon-to-be-dead productivity pirates

Conclusion

If a true productivity ninja does exist then he’s living in personal branding hell (probably the nefarious doings of the Productivity Pirate; see right); he should consider hiring a personal branding ninja, a marketing ninja, or a Copywriting Ninja.

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Photos by Darragh, lilpixiegirl03, 416style, unkown, G-tastic 7, The Infamous Gdub, and Sandrino, respectively