Not Being a Real Person: The #1 Self-Development Anti-Hack

[Note: I was browsing through my old blog the other day when I came upon this.  This post belongs here.  Especially today.  So I moved it over.  I hope you like it.]

My ex-wife Amanda used to cut her own hair. But occasionally she’d have her hair done by a professional. She referred to this as having her hair cut by a “real person” and she’d sometimes say things like: “I really like having my hair cut by a real person.”

The term caught.

Years after Amanda and I separated, I started using the term “real person” more broadly. In graduate school, for example, I referred to anyone who was done with school and had a “real” job as a “real person.”

But in my mind, being a “real person” wasn’t just about having a respectable job, it was about . . .

The End of Stepping Stones

So many of us live “stepping stone lives.” We spend the majority of our waking hours working for goals that are merely stepping stones to other goals. For example:

• We do well in high school so we can get into a good college.
• We do well in college so we can get hired by a good company (or get into a good graduate school).
• We do well at our jobs so we can get even better jobs and make more money.
• We join committees to pad our resumes or impress our bosses.

(Question: what would your life be like if you cut out all the stepping stones?)

So anyway, a few years ago I referred to anyone done with a formal education (who was working full-time) as “real person.”

In my mind . . .

• Real people get up between 5 and 7am and go to work on weekdays
• Real people have the weekends off
• Real people own property
• Real people are grown ups
• Real people aren’t what their former selves wanted to be when they grew up
• Real people are married (to other real people) and tend to have children
• Real people don’t get to take a lot of chances
• Real people do not take mini-retirements or engage in long-term travel
• Real people have separate home lives and work lives
• Real people’s daily realities are owned by institutions (their pay, how they spend their time, and what they think abut during their most productive hours are determined by their employers).
• Real people gain legitimacy from schools, institutions, monetary income, etc.

Real people, however, most definitely do not get to . . .

• Take naps in the middle of the day
• Take a long Christmas vacation
• Quickly and readily implement structural changes in their lives

Back in the day, I wanted to be a real person. I wanted to be done paying dues. I wanted to be done preparing for life (so I could just start living it).

Real People Aren’t Born, They’re Made

Becoming a real person is something that’s done to us. And it most definitely is something we do to ourselves. It’s something we’re socialized into becoming. We’re born as unreal people but somehow get turned into respectable members of society with good cover stories. The process happens gradually over time until we hit our mid-twenties — a time of hyper-accelerated conformity — and the process starts pacing itself.

If you’re a real person, it’s likely that your parents, your church, your schools, your college, your employer, etc. have invested a lot of time and energy into turning you into a real person. That’s because most dominant institutions have a vested interest in YOU being a real person.

The Benefits of Being an Unreal Person

Give me the names of 5 people who’ve brought positive change, on a massive scale, to the world, and I’ll give you the names of 5 unreal people.

That’s because real people (with several exceptions) generally live in other people’s realities: the realities of their bosses, their teachers, their clergy, and their parents. (Living too long in other people’s realities, by the way, is the cause not knowing what you want to be when you grow up; it’s the cause of notion that you have to make something of yourself when you grow up).

On the other hand, unreal people live in their own reality. And that’s really the key to this whole thing, because change will never take place if you’re living in anyone else’s reality but your own.

And that’s why I’d rather be . . .

An Unreal Person

Let’s talk a little about unreal people.

Unreal people . . .

• Tend not to live in a regimented context.
• Are light on their feet; they can implement change on a dime.

Unreal people . . .

• Understand the cost of radical growth
• Have won the battle for their minds
• Tend to do engage in alternative lifestyle design

Furthermore, unreal people tend to . . .

• Set unrealistic goals
• Not live in the “real world”
• Pay themselves (they typically aren’t paid by employers)

All of this sounds great, right? It does to me, but the trick is to not live . . .

The Fake Unreal Life

So often, people who’ve left the “real world” and “real jobs” end up working for an even more effed up boss. Themselves.  They leave their screwed-up jobs only to recreate them all over again at home.  (I also see this kind of thing happen with homeschoolers/unschoolers all the time: they leave the public education system but install the very same systems in their homes).

On a more positive note, I’d like to say . . .

Thanks to These Amazing Unreal People

• My grandparents
• My parents (who taught me how to be an unreal person)
• Adam King
• The Pina Family
• Amanda (who, like me, was homeschooled, and who rode her bike to Guatemala and back, sleeping in tents often off the side of the road)
• My neighbor Jeremiah Nelson
• Rudy Rauben