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On Eating New Contexts for Breakfast and The Price of Radical Growth

Eat Contexts for Breakfast (djloche) 2
photo by Djloche

I’ve spent a past life or two kicking against the pricks of growth.  Things have since improved about 1,000% because I’ve come to terms with my habit of . . .

Eating New Contexts for Breakfast

My soul is rooted in a homeland, but I eat new contexts for breakfast. There’s a city where I’ll lay deep roots, but I still chew up/spit out new learning environments; I down them like rolls of Smarties(TM).

It’s not that I’m a badass, I just like kicking it Henry Thoreau style:

I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life…to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
-Henry David Thoreau

Put me in a new job, in a new learning environment, or a new situation and I’ll start drenching myself in that context.  If I’m in a new city, I’ll go skinny-dipping in its rivers and lakes, visit its grimy underbelly, walk the streets of its neighborhoods, drink its tap water, and go to every possible block party. If it’s a new job, I’ll often try to meet everyone in the company, go to all the trainings, take on new projects, move up the ladder.  I’m not alone in this, and chances are that at one time or another, you’ve “been there, done that.”

We all know the drill: You drench yourself in a situation, you wallow in the mud of humanity, wipe the grime all over yourself. You breathe it in, you live it, you grow from it. And then one day, like that, you wake up and discover its time to move on.

It’s not that you’ve grown out of a given situation, or grown above it or beyond it.  It’s often that grown away from it.  And this growing away is often painful because . . .

Our Culture Has a Delusional Obsession with Permanence

After we’ve graduated from college we’re allowed a couple years of experimental wiggle room.  And when those years are oven we’re supposed to semi-permanently stay put.  We’re supposed to stop vagabonding through life.  We’re supposed to sit down and shut up.  In this day and age, staying put in one’s situation (i.e. one’s career, job, company, city, town, etc.) is how you become an expert, advance in your field, and win the respect of your peers and family.  We’re fed the myth that staying put affords us dream jobs.  And we want this permanence as well: we want tenure, we want seniority, we want bedrocks and sure things.

The problem is that post-higher-education life just isn’t configured to encourage growth; it’s configured to reward stagnation. We’re rewarded for stagnating, for unnecessarily sticking with things.

Staying put WORKS and gets you respect.  Being a dilittante does not get you respect, even though . . .

It’s The Dilettantes who Really Get to Grow

Radical and rapidfire growth often happens when you have freedom to try new things.  Rapidfire growth doesn’t require traveling across the country, starting a new business, or flooding your senses on a daily basis, but it often requires a high level of latitude.  Radical growth often requires the ability to rapidly change directions, change contexts, and change situations.  Rapidfire growth often requires a dilettante-esque mobility.  And if you exercise this mobility enough, other may very well perceive you as someone who hasn’t “found himself.”

But if you’re like me . . .

The Problem Isn’t that You Haven’t Found Yourself

If you’re like me, the problem isn’t that you haven’t found yourself, it’s you have.  You’ve found yourself, and the self that you’ve found isn’t ready to settle for a life of stagnation.  You want to continually get your hands dirty with this strange business of living.  You want to go places, see new things, experience the sometimes ambiguous complexities of life.  And as far as you can tell, you’ll never stop wanting these things.

The problem, of course, is . . .

The Price of Non-Stagnation

Following your own growth down the rabbit hole isn’t easy (and sometimes it’s not even worth it, but I’ll talk about that later):

  • What happens when you outgrow an old job and have no clue what’s next because you can barely keep your head above water with work?
  • When happens when you love your spouse but know that irreparable growth (a positive thing) has pulled you apart?
  • What happens when you’re half-way into a Ph.D. program and know the degree isn’t right for you?
  • What happens when your growth path requires you to ostensibly change course every week or so?

I don’t know what’ll happen. And neither do you. And that’s some scary stuff.

See, most people view growth as good, but . . .

Sometimes Good Medicine Tastes Really Bad

When I usually think of growth, I think of making more money, following my goals, and growing relationships.  But sometimes. . .

  • Growth can mean the end of marriages and relationships
  • Growth can mean making far less money
  • Growth can lead to existential crises, questioning everything, and depression
  • Growth can make you come across as a quitter and a flake
  • Growth can wrench your self esteem
  • Growth can push your friends away and lead to (temporary) alienation

And often . . .

  • The price of growth could be your goals (yup!)
  • The price of growth could be relationships, friendships

In short, growth can f*ck you up because . . .

Growth has Both Velocity and Direction

All growth propels the grower in some direction, even if the destination (if there is one) is far from clear.  But since we can’t be everywhere all of the time, growth can propel us away from things for which society rewards us.  Radical growth can propel us away from things we once loved and cherished.  And because of this . . .

The Price of Radical Growth is Sometimes NOT Worth It

I’ll probably get some flack for saying this, but I’ll say it anyway: most marriages, most relationships will have a difficult time surviving radical personal growth and evolution.  Relationships can become dependent on hundreds of implicit agreements, patterns, rituals, and shared views of reality and it often puts an unendurable stress on a relationship when these agreements, patterns, etc. are relentlessly challenged, ignored, or changed.  Good relationships can survive depression, and terrorism, and prison sentences, and all kinds of horrible things, but radical growth is a difficult (but not impossible) to survive.  It’s a tuffy.

I’d like to sugarcoat things and say you’ll never have to chose between your marriage and radical growth, or your children and radical growth, but that’s just not the case.  The are priorities that I will always put before such growth because sometimes rapid growth just isn’t worth it.  Sometimes its better to opt for deferred compensation.

In closing, I’d like to add some . . .

Additional Wisdom from Kelly Rigby and Melissa Pierce

Kelly and Melissa said things in the comments that needed to by said, and I’d like to make their words more visible.  I don’t know exactly where this article got off track, but my gut tells me that their words set things straight.  Here’s what Kelly had to say about this article:

[W]hen I got married, and definitely when I had my son, I saw that a truly happy life, a connected life, one that matters and has value both to yourself and others, is not just about my personal growth and what I need. Other people have needs too and if I love and respect them enough to want to keep them in my life, then I must consider their needs just as much as my own.

You can stay a perpetual self-seeking nomad forever if you want to, but I have chosen not to. The costs would be too high. So I find innovative and adjustable ways to keep the free spirit alive and well. It is possible, it just takes a lot more effort.
-Kelly Rigby from She-Power.com

Here are Melissa’s insights:

Our society puts way to much pressure on us to “go it alone”?, and that friggin’ loner hero cowboy [stuff] is really getting old. OK, stepping down from the soapbox.

Sometimes, yeah – when we grow relationships and entire modalities of living are lying by the wayside… I’ve got a very personal relationship with outgrowing my surroundings, leaving them behind, setting them up on fire, running away and starting again. But sometimes, your relationships and modalities grow with you – And that my friends is the sweetest most surreal radical growth ever. Maybe I’m out of line for saying this too, but I think this is more of a maturity and respect issue – if you do fucking know who you are, and what you want, then respecting yourself and others enough to be forthcoming with the direction in which your heading and why is “half the battle”? (knowing is half the battle – GI Joe)
-Melissa Pierce

There were “wisdom gaps” in this piece, just as there are wisdom gaps in yours truly.  Thanks to Kelly and Melissa for stopping by to both identify and fill some of these gaps.

Eat new contexts for breakfast by subscribing to The Growing Life.
—————————————–
P.S. You have to see this.

P.P.S. Through this blog I’ve been fortunate enough to get to know some really good people.  People who’ve helped me out without expecting anything in return.  People who’ve given because that’s just how they live.  People like JEMi, Kelly Rigby, MonkMojo, Joyce Shwarz, Jared Goralnick, Tom Stine, Jonathan Nasman, Naomi Dunford, Stephen Smith, and Charlie Gilkey, and several others whose names have slipped my mind at 2:00am (please forgive me).

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Category: Goals / lifestyle design
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  • Joe Dakroub
    I came across you blog via Zen Habits. This post resonates with me as it describes everything I have gone through in the past 2 years.

    After my mother took her own life, I felt as if my life needed a radical change. Initially, I thought that meant changing my job or going on vacation or doing something "crazy". I was fired up for the first time in ages. However, "real life" took over and I didn't make any such changes...I stagnated.

    It wasn't until I went to therapy for grief a year later that my life began to change, unbeknownst to myself. In time, I grew confident of myself as a person and in my own beliefs. As more time past, I knew that this was the radical change. These changes led to the profound depression, heavy drinking, dissatisfaction with my job, the divorce I am now going through, the brief affair I had with someone I truly love, and my own suicide attempt.

    After some time in the hospital, I learned about true perspective. My world view changed. I came to the realization that we are all being "conditioned" to conform, that if you don't define "success" as having all the material things in your life, the high-paying job, the wife, the kids, the house, the "American Dream", that you are not a grown up, you are a failure in the eyes of the world. Who's world? Not mine. I found that my values did not align with the world's and that for the first time in my life, I was OK with that. I found that I could live by my values and shrug those that I were not mine. That is not to say that I do whatever I want, but I finally feel that I have latitude and the ability to make "real" change, for me.

    Some of the ideas on this blog remind me of Ayn Rand, but less rigid. I am actually just finishing her book "Atlas Shrugged", which is my second time through. Very inspirational reading.

    Thanks for the posting and this blog. I have added to my list of daily reading!
  • c0de
    Something is left undefined by this post, and this is the core of the main argument for radical growth: The Purpose.

    The question of whether or not the price is worth it or not depends solely on the Purpose of growth. Why do you want to grow? If your simply bored and and want stimulation, then risking your relationships and career for the sake of rejuvenation is probably not called for. In that case, it is a bigger struggle for you to hold on to what you have and preserve those things on which depend the happiness of more people then just yourself.

    However, radical growth sometimes has to take place not by choice, but as a consequence of some form of duty. It could be a spiritual calling, or an obligation of some sort. If this purpose forces you to make a choice, a change in the radical direction. Then I think that risking everything is the only right thing to do.

    You just have to know the difference between the two situations.
  • Visculent
    This type of "Radical Growth", I feel, gives a potential for a refinement of authentic response-ability. You can always chose again. Sometimes those choices weigh heavy from outside perspectives. The way of Radical Growth often requires a bit of self sacrifice and the ability to really "let go" of the story to make a new one. It's richly dynamic and omni-directional at times. Where comes radical growth, greater self clarity should follow.
  • I applaud you on this. Certain things you said are so true and powerful.

    "Growth has Both VELOCITY AND DIRECTION"

    Thinking back to past relationships (yes, I had one that did suffer and end from my desire to grow), I can attest to your comment about some relationships not surviving this kind of thing. Not only that, it can scary as hell - for me at least.

    And yet, I jump on that bandwagon and do it anyway. I would say that I am in a unique position that I have found a reason to be greatful for. Unattached, I am exploring and learning a hell of a lot about myself.

    Great post dude
  • Hey Clay, I was gone last week and missed this post. Thanks! I've enjoyed getting to know you, too.
  • It's the concomitant pain and loss that I (and I'm guessing most others) fear the most as the cost of serious growth. Thanks for helping to put this issue into perspective.
  • Thanks for the link! And great post. We should always be seeking, always improving. And, yep, sometimes growth hurt, but when you have to make sacrifices for something, it makes it all the more worth it.
  • Clay,

    Everything happens for a reason! I believe I decided to go to your blog tonight because I was meant to read this post! You gave me some very good insight on things that have happened to me in the last few years and was not aware of happening! I believe that I have grown alot in just the last 2 1/2 years and have had to deal with the whole growing out of relationships pahse of it. I feel I have alienated friends and contacts for a time, and it was necessary for me to do that in order to learn and grow. Thank you for putting that a little more in perspective for me!
  • Clay Collins
    @Sean: You make excellent points. Thanks for taking the time to explain what you did. We should have an offline phone conversation about where we've been in the last 15 years :-). Looks like you're happily married and a dad a couple (a few?) times over. Awesome.
  • @Clay - Yes, it's been a while. I was glad to find you here and glad to see that you are doing so well.

    I think I agree completely with the points you make. I was simply trying to elucidate Stephen's comments. I think he was really only submitting a case study of his life with some follow-up thoughts; giving an example of some experiences that many perceive to be good growing experiences, but which actually turned out to be not worth it.

    You stated that "The Price of Radical Growth is Sometimes NOT Worth It" and this begs the question, "how can I tell?"

    I think, in the end, Stephen addressed that issue a bit.

    "I would submit that Radical Growth is worth it, if you build a plan to profit by it." (Stephen)

    I like that. Growth, even real positive growth, needs to be put into a context. One needs to "plan", or put growth within a larger context, perhaps even the ever-elusive "big picture", and if you can do that, and it still looks positive, then it's worth it.

    I don't think growth could even be well defined without a context, but people often have ideas about what they want and what they should do, and these ideas are often only consider from within a very limited context. (Perhaps that's why micro-economies work.) How does this experience affect me now with my immediate goals? 1 year from now with my short term goals? 10 years from now? When I'm dead? (It makes the definition of growth a bit tricky, because it depends so much on perspective.)

    In any case, you wrote a very good piece. It gives much food for thought. Better yet it feeds us a chance to consider the rules that we live by. To err is human. To introspect is human as well... or at least should be.
  • That picture is scary.

    That's all I have to say.
  • Clay Collins
    @Stephen: Oh I see where we have the difference of opinion. I view growth as being a positive thing. I've defined growth that way. I think your definition of the world "growth" is more akin to the word "learning." You can learn to manipulate women, but in my view that isn't growth. Our country can learn to fight, stage, and engage in war, without growing from the experience. (OK, that last one was a friendly inside joke).

    In terms of what Sean said about . . .


  • Clay,

    You have a knack of writing things in such a way that I sometimes feel you have been over here reading my journals for the past 30 years.

    I have lived that life you just described and I have paid a lot of the price you talked about as well. Including the divorces. And yes...that is plural.

    The bag of Life Lessons that I have picked up along the way of the many jobs, many adventures and the many people I have met along the way has been pricelss. I wouldn't trade this education in the school of life for any PhD out there.
    So here is my free advice...maybe it will keep you from some cut glass in your bare feet while you are out walking on life's winding road. Go anywhere, explore anything, drink in all that life has to offer. But first,set your moral compass and your guiding core values so that you always know which way is home. And, as long as you know WHO you are, it doesn't matter what else you are learning, and you CAN meet a person who shares your CORE values. It's the partnership of core values that turns out to be the secret of longest lasting relationships that survive anything.

    Good luck on Life's journey.
  • Hi again, Clay. Sean has hit the nail on the head, "Moving around a lot and following one
  • Clay Collins
    @Sean: Nice seeing you here. Long time, no talk.

    In regards to this...

    --------
    You expressed this idea yourself in describing some of the growth experiences as being
  • Perhaps what Stephen is expressing is the dilemma between a short-sighted quick growth, and a long-term growth plan.

    Moving around a lot and following one's whims from experience to experience could very easily be a kind of caffeine of life, giving us the feeling of zipping forward now, but dragging us down later, and, if abused, causing some irreparable damage.

    You expressed this idea yourself in describing some of the growth experiences as being "not worth it". If one profits from them, then how could they be not worth it? Because there is another, better, growth, that is being missed out on.

    Worse, some experiences can be more of a hallucinogen, giving us the simulated feeling of moving forward while our life is really sliding back. Television and video-gaming come to mind as addictive behaviors that have this kind of effect, and in each of those cases one has a simulated environment that has provided you with synthetic goals to accomplish that very often have no value in the real world. It's a micro-economy where the exchanges very often have no relevance in real life and sometimes are even negatively affect us. (Of course, such economies can also, at times, be good for us.)

    Sometimes the experiences we seek in life are sought not because they're really good for us, but because we've gotten enmeshed in some micro-economy that we only need because we think we need it... and then we have Quitting Things and Flakiness all over again.
  • Clay Collins
    @Mark: That's a beautiful story and it makes lots of sense. Thank you for sharing.

    @Stephen: I'm afraid I don't understand. You're saying that if you plan to profit from radical growth then it wont be mistaken for selfishness and narcissism? You obviously don't mean profit (just) in the monetary sense. But how do you grow and not profit from it? In my view, if you've grown, then you've profited. Growth is its own end. It is sufficient unto itself. There's no profited or not profited from personal growth as far as I can tell.
  • Clay you have said it so well once again. However on one point I have to disagree if someone went on to cover it in the comments I apologize. The disagreement is in growing apart in a marriage. I feel that if you allow your mate to grow at their pace and you are growing at your pace,that as long as you don't quit you can meet in the middle.

    Like that country song says. "You start walking your way, I'll start walking mine. We'll meet in the middle under that old Georgia Pine." That has been so true in my 2nd marriage. My wife and I are growing old together but we are on different paths. It's when we meet back under that pine tree that the good times roll. I hope this makes some sense to someone. It did to me as I typed it.
  • Well now. I am a little late to the party, but I'd like to get my $0.02 in.

    Putting down roots doesn't always equal stagnation. Trying new things all the time does not always lead to growth. From '94 to '99 I moved all over the place (Illinois to New Orleans to Connecticut) and had a bunch of short-term "relationships". My career was moving rapidly, but as a person I was rotting from the inside.

    Then I spent 5 years in one place with one woman, and grew like crazy! The rot stopped and I learned to, ah, tell the difference between sex and intimacy. Among other things.

    This part:"All growth propels the grower in some direction, even if the destination (if there is one) is far from clear. But since we can
  • Thanks for posting in your blog...Its the highlight of my day.

    @monk, oops, my mistake, it should've read "it's amazing that a fucking hot stud genius guy like Clay could come along..."
  • Ckay

    Aw shucks.... *blushing furiously*... thanks for highlighting my late night ramblings in your post. I'm just glad they made some kind of sense. You never can tell at 1am. I'm glad you found some wisdom in there. Now will someone please tell my husband to accept the truth - not only am I wise, I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!

    And Monk, you crack me up. I think muesli went up my nose...

    Kelly
  • Okay, so here's my, "It's all relative, and moderation is the key" reply:
    Radical growth is only radical relative to what YOU are comfortable with. I think that in the end, life is all about contributing to happiness and doing more good than bad. By, "contributing to happiness" I am refering simply to being happy yourself, thus contributing to the overall happiness of the world. If you are pressuring yourself into radically growing, then it's likely that strife will result. If, however, your growth is comfortably fast, then you'll probably be quite happy. Things get messy when there's this grinding pressure to always advance. When we are "in the zone" of personal growth, synchronicities occur and we tend to get where we want to go in the most efficient manner.
  • Wow, what a great post. I particularly like the challenge to permanence - I feel like every comment I've ever received about why some choice is a "bad decision" has its roots in that assumption. I think that having parts of your life that are stable, like certain friendships or certain beliefs, can make radical growth less scary and overwhelming. But that being said, you should choose what you need to be stable rather than go along with what society rewards.
  • @Coach Melissa:
  • But you said it so well: "The are priorities that I will always put before such growth because sometimes rapid growth just isn
  • Clay Collins
    @Everyone: I love blogs because they turn posts like these into two-way conversations. Thank you for adding so much to this article.
  • Clay Collins
    @Adam: You sound as though you've lived many lives. Thank you for the comment and for saying "I am simply and patiently learning how to use it wisely." That was very well put.

    @Todd: Yeah, "shining the light of awareness" is probably the most powerthing anyone can do in these situations. I like the light metaphor, so thank you for saying that.

    @Maria: In my experience, you are very right about people thinking you are crazy AND wanting your life.
  • Clay Collins
    @Melissa Pierce: Thank you for your very kind comments. I like what you said about the cowboy thing. You're right, and I really like what you wrote about "the sweetest most surreal radical growth ever." There was wisdom missing from this article, and I'm glad that you and Kelly stopped by to fill in the gaps. Much, much respect.
  • Clay Collins
    Kelly you are wise! I'm going to quote you in this article, if that's OK.
  • By nature I am a fly with the wind girl. Always learning new things, always looking for something, easily bored with routine and the shallow monotony of everyday life.

    But when I got married, and definitely when I had my son. I saw that a truly happy life, a connected life, one that matters and has value both to yourself and others, is not just about my personal growth and what I need. Other people have needs too and if I love and respect them enough to want to keep them in my life, then I must consider their needs just as much as my own.

    You can stay a perpetual self-seeking nomad forever if you want to, but I have chosen not to. The costs would be too high. So I find innovative and adjustable ways to keep the free spirit alive and well. It is possible, it just takes a lot more effort.

    But generally I say "Fuck permanence". It's a fallacy anyway. The only sure thing is you live and one day you die. Everything else is temporary, so you may as well choose what works for today and worry about next week when it gets here.

    Interesting post.
    Kelly
  • It's not what you say that so intrigues me Clay, it's the way you say it. These things have all been said before in some Spiritually centered self help book of yore, however the authors of those books have made those ideas so abstract or so watered down that the real value is lost. It's amazing that this young guy could come along, and for free, say something intelligent, creative, and profound... something that many well meaning self help gurus couldn't squeeze out as precisely in a lifetime of writing.


    This is where I put yet another plug for my profession: Radical growth can be fucking scary as all hell, but if you recognize your in the middle of it - find someone who's been there done that to help you navigate, or hire a life coach to help you with the big picture while you grapple with the details. Our society puts way to much pressure on us to "go it alone", and that friggin' loner hero cowboy bullshit is really getting old. OK, stepping down from the soapbox.

    Sometimes, yeah - when we grow relationships and entire modalities of living are lying by the wayside... I've got a very personal relationship with outgrowing my surroundings, leaving them behind, setting them up on fire, running away and starting again. But sometimes, your relationships and modalities grow with you - And that my friends is the sweetest most surreal radical growth ever. Maybe I'm out of line for saying this too, but I think this is more of a maturity and respect issue - if you do fucking know who you are, and what you want, then respecting yourself and others enough to be forthcoming with the direction in which your heading and why is "half the battle" (knowing is half the battle - GI Joe)...
  • You're right in that society does not reward generalists in the typical sense. However, if you have the guts to live by your passions, everyone you know is going to think you're insane - and wish they could live your life.
  • Good job Clay, I like the way you present the tough parts of personal growth, as you say "radical" growth. I have experienced many of these things, and they can be tough. Once you learn to shine the light of awareness on the negativity, however, it dissipates. Its amazing when this happens....
  • For almost ten years, I would pack my truck and move someplace else about every 18 months. New places, new jobs, new people. It was growth, it was spontaneous, it came with prices. Alienation, insecurity, even being homeless. I believe I understand this post very well. I still have that faint drumbeat in my chest calling me out for more adventure. It's not that I just ignore it now. I am simply and patiently learning how to use it wisely. Sometimes we just can't afford to tiptoe across the double edged sword. Nice job.
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